Will Smith Is Raising A Monster


The photo above is from the recent wedding of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, an affair that was by all accounts decadent beyond all measure. Jay-Z sent an oversized bottle of wine, dipped in gold and corked with a diamond. The groom apparently threw multiple bridezilla fits just before the ceremony, rejecting both the lighting system he’d chosen himself and the greatest sound system in Europe. He sawed the bar in half himself and danced alone with his bride to five songs, played by John Legend on a marble piano. (A MARBLE PIANO.) The guests relieved themselves in a 50-foot tall comfort station made of gold.

And yet, with all of that, Kanye West was not the most narcissistic, impulsive person at the event. That honor goes to 15-year-old Jaden Smith, spinoff project of Will Smith, who attended the wedding — as you can see at the far right of the photo — in an all-white Batman costume.

An all-white Batman costume.


I purposely paid no attention to any of the press around this wedding, because I am not a fan of either of the principals. But somehow this one detail slipped through my self-imposed media blackout and I feel I have to speak up.

We’ve all seen and excused a kid for wearing some kind of a costume where it’s not necessarily appropriate, like when my 3-year-old nephew wore his fake-muscles Hulk costume to meet Santa. (My brother and sister-in-law geniusly made it their Christmas card.) But this is different. My nephew is 3, and he was already wearing the costume, and refused to change out of it when told it was time to go see Santa. Jaden Smith is 15, and has been the star of three wide-release studio pictures.

Where do you even get an all-white Batman costume? He must have had it custom made. Which means that he planned on this weeks, probably months, in advance. “How can I top the mirror-ball mask?” he must have asked himself. “How do I pull focus from the two most wildly, shamelessly narcissistic people on planet Earth, on the one day that that narcissism is, if not appropriate, kind of excusable?”


“To the Batcave!”


Page Six also reports that, in addition to his stupid outfit, Jaden was a general nuisance at the wedding, shoving glasses off of tables and throwing his dumb white cape over people’s heads. Again, excusable behavior from a 6-year-old nephew; unconscionable from a 15-year-old with his own lawyer.

Apart from Hollywood’s (so far unsuccessful) effort to turn him into a bankable movie star, Jaden has drawn a little bit of attention for his bizarre Twitter feed, where he not only makes weird, cryptic pronouncements, he Capitalizes Each Word Individually For Some Unknown Reason.


That last one is telling, because you have to wonder what kind of parenting is going on here. Did Will and Jada sign off on the white Batman suit? Maybe it was originally hot pink, and Jaden planned on arriving on a matching hot pink horse and Will and Jada persuaded him to scale it back to a wedding color? Were they even at the wedding? Did he pull the whole thing off without them knowing? What role does Scientology play here? Does he think he’s Xenu or something? I have so many questions. Whatever the answers are, It’s Clear That Will And Jada Are Raising A Monster.

And you have to wonder, if this is what he wears to a wedding, what goes on at home? I have a feeling that playing ball in the house is not a problem Chez Smith. Here’s what I picture: a pile of shattered TVs in the swimming pool. Horrible, unfinished artwork painted directly onto the walls. Broken XBox controllers everywhere. The smells of mysterious, spoiled, unfinished snacks from between the couch cushions. And whatever his maid is getting paid — he has his own, personal maid, right? — it can’t possibly be enough.

Terrible things are happening all the time, and afterward we always say the same thing to each other: why didn’t anyone see the signs and step in? Why didn’t the UCSB shooter’s parents have him committed? Why didn’t the cops do anything, or his shrinks? Didn’t anyone see this coming?

Everyone wigged out when Jaden’s sister Willow posed for a photo on a bed with a shirtless, age-inappropriate dude a while back. To me that’s not half the waving red flag this white Batman suit is. (At a wedding, let’s not forget. HE WORE IT TO A WEDDING.)

I think the state is going to have to step in, remove this kid from his parents, and feed him a steady diet of No for at least six months. If not, he’s going to make Justin Bieber look like Jodie Foster, and I Don’t Think Any Of Us Wants To Sit Through His Apology Tour.

2 Responses to Will Smith Is Raising A Monster

  1. jaden says:

    I heard he has a real thing,for white boys!!!

  2. Dick Grayson says:

    I wonder if there’s a Batcave under the Smith household.

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