Call it weariness, call it lack of preparation, call it plain old laziness, but I have had an unusually difficult time getting my head into the Christmas game this year. In years past I have prided myself on how thoughtfully and, as importantly, how efficiently I plan and execute my Christmas shopping, but this year is different.
I won’t get into it, but I’ve had a lot going on and a lot on my mind the last few months. It’s been very difficult to focus on buying gifts. Normally what I like to do is think about each member of my family — my wife, my son, my brother and his wife and two kids, and my mom and dad — and think of something they would like. I’m proud that I have rarely had to resort to googling “gift ideas for dad” in order to come up with something thoughtful. But this year I’ve had some trouble getting the engine to turn over, and I had to search for outside inspiration to come up with great gifts.
The good news is, I pretty much nailed it. So if you’re in a similar quandary, having a hard time getting your head in the game, here are a few suggestions for great Christmas gifts for the people in your life that I found:
For the Perfect Wife: NFL Team Logo Wine Shoes
Add a touch of class to your Sundays! Everyone knows wine is the classiest of all ways to get hammered, and everyone knows that high heels are the classiest shoes. There’s no classier place to keep your wine than in your shoe — everybody knows that. The NFL logo of your choice, embossed in leather and adorned with rare North Georgia Rhinestones® is just the cherry on the classy sundae! ($57.99)
For the ’90s Hip Hop Fan Who Has Everything: The Wu-Tang Clan, Once Upon A Time In Shaolin
In a move as original and uncompromising as it was dumb and pointless, the Wu-Tang Clan reunited in 2014 to record their long-awaited reunion album, but then announced that only one copy would be created, and that copy would cost $2 million. So if someone you love likes Wu-Tang and you have $2 million dollars and a totally deranged sense of priorities, this is the kind of gift that really makes a statement. Oh wait, that asshole that jacked the price of AIDS drugs 2,000,000 percent already bought it. Although, there is a chance he won’t have it for long. ($2 million)
For the Fine-Motor-Skill-Impaired: Self-Twirling Spaghetti Fork
We all have that person in the family who can’t seem to twirl their spaghetti without dropping the fork on the edge of their plate. (Full disclosure: Growing up, I was that person.) It makes an awful sound and the merciless teasing that fork-droppers suffer at the hands of their immediate families can scar them for decades, I bet. Spare everyone the therapy bills and get the Self-Twirling Spaghetti Fork; 100% twirling fun guaranteed!* ($9.95; 2 AA batteries not included.)
For the Untrustworthy Strumpet: GPS Lingerie
Saddled with the kind of woman that refuses to tell you exactly what she’s doing and who she’s with every second of every day? Let her know you care a little too much with a fun, flirty lingerie set with red detailing and a mock negligée with a fully functioning GPS unit. It’s the gift that keeps on giving… her exact coordinates. ($800)
For the Good Guy With A Gun: Gun and Target Recordable Alarm Clock
We all know the day is coming when we’ll all have to be ready to wake up shooting, and the Gun and Target Recordable Alarm Clock is a great way to prepare for that inevitable, eagerly awaited breakdown of society. Wake to whatever sound you choose to record into the target — maybe a frenzied cry of “Jihad,” the faint sound of your China cabinet being ransacked, or just the local NPR station — and fire a shot into the bullseye to turn off the alarm. The gun has recoil and sound effects for extra realism, as well as an option to play the anguished cries of an accidentally wounded family member when your shots go astray, to keep you vigilant. ($20.47)
For your creepy Uncle/Cousin/Nephew/Son/Father/Husband: The Fleshlight Lanchpad
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6WBBXxScrk
Everyone knows how difficult it can be to hold your iPad and be intimate with yourself at the same time, right? Well, the geniuses at Fleshlight — the same people who invented the flashlight that feels like a lady — have solved that problem by making it possible to live the best of all possible worlds and just be intimate with your iPad! ($24.95, fake ladypart sold seperately)
For Everyone Reading This And Everyone In Your Immediate and Extended Families: “Relatively Merry” iTunes single
I mean, come on. It’s a dollar. Not even a dollar. You don’t have a dollar? You have a dollar. Buy the song on iTunes, willya? ($0.99)
Merry Christmas!
*Not guaranteed