Make Amy Schumer The Bachelorette

This week the most exciting news since Justin Bieber peed in a mop bucket hit the Internet: hot off a rapturously received appearance on ABC’s reality “reality” dating “dating” show THE BACHELORETTE, comedian Amy Schumer has been invited to take a dip in Lake Dudebro.

Yes, in a show-business moment that could only happen in 2015, ABC mucky-muck Robert Mills invited Schumer to be the next Bachelorette via Twitter. Even better, it appears that Schumer is game:

Of course, the Internet never saw a piece of good news that it couldn’t poop all over, and right on time here comes The Verge with an essay called ABC completely misses the point, invites Amy Schumer to be The Bachelorette, pleading with the comic not to do the show:

The show is beneath Amy Schumer; it’s beneath all women. Where previous seasons at least flirted with the notion of empowerment, presenting a woman with the same “human buffet” that men receive on The Bachelor, the show is now about giving a woman the illusion of power, then reprimanding her when she doesn’t act in line. ABC and the producers have been compared to pimps before, and it feels especially true now, as we watch the men tell a woman when and where she can have sex, and punish her when she disobeys. Such a dated system is the kind of thing we’ll never tire of seeing Schumer burn to the ground, but from a safe and critical distance.

Well, Mr. “ABC Completely Misses the Point,” I dare say you’re completely missing the point.

I am a big fan of the Bachelor franchise, and I’ve got the poorly-performing blog posts to prove it. (This one is one of my favorite things I’ve ever written.) Obviously, it’s a stupid show. Certainly, the people on it are mostly appalling. Definitely, it has weird ideas about sexual politics. That is what makes it so amusing, and my favorite show to watch with my wife — we have a great time with the total unreality of the whole thing, pointing out the spots where the producers are massaging reality, picking apart their styling choices (hair, makeup, wardrobe, facial hair grooming), and most enjoyably delighting in the appalling interpersonal politics of the houseful of contestants when they’re not on a date with The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, as they try to outmaneuver each other, undermine their confidence, and above all talk up the “connection” they feel to the person handing out the roses. (If you want to get hammered in a very short time, cue this show up on Hulu and drink every time you hear the word “connection.”)

It’s rare that we get to enjoy such high levels of uncut schadenfreude (which is of course German for taking pleasure in someone else’s freude) completely guilt-free, but that is the primary gift that the Bachelor franchise keeps on giving. We might feel bad watching and mocking and laughing at these people if they were in some way being exploited, but as I wrote in an earlier piece, this show has been on long enough that everyone on it proudly proclaims that they grew up with it, and frequently refers back to earlier seasons like legal precedent. There is no way to argue that they don’t know what they’re in for. The only thing that could be more delightful than making fun of this show with my brilliant, hilarious wife on our couch would be watching someone more brilliant and hilarious than both of us put together rip the whole thing down from the inside. Of course THE BACHELORETTE is beneath Amy Schumer! THAT’S EXACTLY WHY IT’S A GREAT IDEA.

To begin with, Amy Schumer looks different than most Bachelor/ettes. Where most of them are fussily groomed, overstyled, and underfed, Schumer looks like — what’s the expression? — a real person. The only reason anyone goes on these shows is to find love make out with a superficially beautiful person on TV. If Amy Schumer takes this offer, it will be one of the only times that all the contestants know going into the process who they are there to woo. (Usually they find out when they get out of the limo and see the person standing in front of the mansion.)

So one of two things will happen: The same shallow shitheads that always go on THE BACHELORETTE will still go on (in hopes of getting far enough to be cast as the next Bachelor) and get ripped apart by Amy, who will see right through them. Or, the show will have to cast some guys who are actually suitable to be with Amy Schumer: intelligent and funny first, attractive second, and we will get to see what THE BACHELORETTE looks like when looking like a catalog model is only a secondary casting requirement. I think it would be very interesting.

The current Bachelorette, Kaitlyn, is lovely and funny and intelligent, and probably the most appealing star the show has had. The previous Bachelorette, Andi, was lovely and intelligent (not so funny though). Obviously, ABC can’t cast total dummies to headline their biggest franchise. (They tried it with the Juan Pablo season — it didn’t work out.) But even though these women are smart, they are still in thrall to the machinery of the franchise, and to the novelty of TV in general, so even if they’re thinking the guys in front of them are douchey or dumb or both, they’re not inclined to say so. Amy Schumer would not have that problem. She is not intimidated by TV, or the process of making it. She is not going to say something she doesn’t mean just because a producer tells her to. If you look at the clips from her appearance this week, you can see her immediate, chemical reaction to this dude J.J.’s horseshit, and her total inability to not call it out. That is something I want to see on my TV every week.

Like its star, Schumer’s sketch show on Comedy Central, INSIDE AMY SCHUMER, is a deeply feminist, sex-positive, subversive bit of business. All the double-standards and slut-shaming and objectification that anti-BACHELOR people point to as the reason the oceans are warming are exactly the reason she’s the perfect person to put on the show, because she would not stand for any part of it — she would blowtorch it just like she does on her show.

The big controversy on this new season of THE BACHELORETTE, as telegraphed in the “This season on” trailer that ended the premiere, seems to be that bachelorette Kaitlyn has sex with one of the guys in mid-season, before reaching the designated demilitarized zone of the Fantasy Suite, and all the dudes go ballistic on her and there’s a lot of crying. The show is already getting some deserved flack just on the basis of the trailer, weeks before this “controversy” even airs. In the very unlikely event that Chris Harrison introduces Amy Schumer to a dude she likes enough to sleep with, I have no doubt she will do that on a schedule of her choosing, and if anyone gives her a moment of shit about it I have even less doubt that she will let them know where they can shove it.

Who wouldn’t want to see that?

One comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *