Archives for March 2015

Ted Cruz Can’t Win

The 2016 presidential race has finally, officially, really begun. All those articles and videos and news pieces you’ve been seeing for the last 18 months about 2016? They were just the pregame show. This week the starter gun went off at last with the entry of the first declared candidate in the race: Texas Republican Senator Ted Cruz.

Cruz started his campaign off with a bang this week, announcing his candidacy at Jerry Falwell’s (fully accredited, seriously) Liberty University during the morning convocation, which is a compulsory part of the school’s curriculum. The excitement was palpable!

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The Gayes Are Ruining Everything

Screen Shot 2015-03-20 at 3.03.08 PMJust as the near-universal outrage at the verdict in the “Blurred Lines”/”Got To Give It Up” plagiarism trial seemed to be dying down, the controversy over whether it was a just ruling seems to have morphed into a contest to see who can be the more unsympathetic party: the loathsome Robin Thicke, or the heirs to Marvin Gaye’s estate.

It seems that a $7.4 million judgment — nearly half of “Blurred Lines”’ total earnings — is not enough for the Gayes. Per The Hollywood Reporter:

The Gaye family is now pushing for the judge to “correct” the jury’s verdict to add Universal Music, Interscope Records and Star Trak Entertainment to the list of infringers. Additionally, the judge is also being asked to set aside the jury’s decision to give Clifford Harris, Jr. (aka T.I.) a pass and hold him accountable too.

They are also hitting Thicke with another plagiarism suit for having a superfluous ‘e’ at the end of his surname.

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The Robin Thicke Verdict Is Wrong

Justice is pretty hard to come by these days. The people who tanked the economy got off scot-free, as did the people who lied us into a devastating war. Cops are killing civilians and not even being charged, much less convicted. Beck won Album of the Year over Beyoncé. So it’s nice to see one of history’s worst douchebags publicly humiliated in a court decision that may very well end his career.

Yesterday a Los Angeles jury found Robin Thicke and his credited “Blurred Lines” cowriter, Pharrell Williams, guilty of plagiarizing Marvin Gaye’s 1977 hit “Got To Give It Up,” and awarded Gaye’s heirs $7.3 million in damages.

I am 100% in favor of Robin Thicke suffering for his crimes, which include (but are by no means limited to) publicly cheating on a wife most men would kill for, writing startlingly rapey lyrics, singing into a gold microphone, wearing a Beetlejuice suit in public, wearing aviator sunglasses indoors, and taking half of the credit for a song he now admits Pharrell wrote by himself.

Unfortunately, those crimes do not in my opinion include plagiarizing Marvin Gaye.

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Hillary Rorschach Clinton



With only 20 months to go until the 2016 presidential election, the (as yet unannounced) Hillary Clinton campaign was rocked by the biggest scandal since Abu Ghraib. Or it barely had its hair mussed by a trumped-up charge of something that’s not even illegal. One of the two, depending on where you get your news.

It seems Mrs. Clinton conducted all of her correspondence during her tenure as Secretary of State (2009-2013) through her own private domain,, routed through a private email server, rather than a .gov address routed through government servers, which raises an awful lot of questions about her transparency (it seems it would be very easy to omit anything unflattering or untoward from the public record if you have sole control of those records), her compliance with the law (all government employees are required to conduct business on official .gov accounts), and her competence (if National Security is the first item on your job description, it seems awfully risky to take your own cyber-security into your own hands).

But wait! Democrats are insisting that this is no big deal at all, because all previous Secretaries of State also used their private email accounts to do official business! And the law mandating that all government correspondence go through official servers wasn’t enacted until Clinton was out of office! And she just turned over 55,000 pages of emails to the State Department!

This may or may not affect Clinton’s chances in 2016, but it’s a perfect demonstration of how completely fucked American democracy is in the 21st century and I’m giving up and going to live among island natives and subsist on rainwater and seaweed.

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