There I was last night, watching Game 7 of the NBA Eastern Conference Finals, rooting for drama, when the camera began its traditional inventory of famous faces in the audience. Oh look! It’s David Beckham! So handsome, so dreamy!
(SFX: needle dragging across record like in every movie trailer made since 1997)
Oh my god this f’ing guy. It’s bad enough that he’s running around with a monkey and showing up way late for shows and getting all petulant when he gets booed at awards shows and trying to make the Anne Frank House all about him and scaring the shit out of his neighborhood with his Ferrari, but this outfit is beyond the pale.
I don’t know Justin Bieber’s music. I never had much opinion about him other than the fact that however cute he may be as a teenager, he is going to make for a seriously weird-looking adult, so I hope he is saving his money. (It does not appear that he is doing that.) But this outfit takes me from thinking he’s a harmless teen star doing what teen stars do to thinking that I hate him and want to punch him in the face, which would make him the first person I’ve ever punched in the face. Where to begin?
What is going on there? He must have packed the band with newspaper to keep it from falling down around his ears. I’ve never understood the flat-brim look either, but there’s not a white man on this planet who can pull it off, and the oversizedness makes it even worse — He looks like Elmer Fudd.
If you’re looking for a fashion choice that will save you the trouble of using your mouth to tell people you’re a tool, sunglasses indoors is always a winner. I have a pair of Ray-Bans in my car. They are very, very dark sunglasses. Even on blindingly sunny days I have to lift them up to see anything inside my car. So this d-bag is severely compromising his view of a game he probably paid ten grand to see, in the name of looking cool (which he doesn’t).
In case you were wondering if the lip gloss is noticeable, Justin, the answer is yes. And don’t try and tell me it’s ChapStick. We both know it’s Kissing Potion, the only question is how it’s scented. (I’m guessing bubblegum.)
Are those gold dogtags? Did they give them to you in the tween pop star army? Between those, the gold rope, and the giant gold Rolex, I’m shocked he doesn’t have any big giant Liberace rings on his fingers.
I want to say I’ve never seen a leather shirt before, but the baseball-jersey cut reminds me that that’s not true: Martin Lawrence wore one in a concert film about 20 years ago, and looked from about minute two to minute 114 like he was going to overheat and die in it. Mr. Bieber is not sweating, but he looks even more ridiculous, because his skinny little white arms make him look like a photo-negative of a snowman. Here’s what leather is for: a) staying warm on the tundra, B) sharpening blades, and c) looking cool. As Mr. Bieber is in Miami, his short-sleeved leather baseball jersey can’t be meant to keep him warm, and and he certainly doesn’t look cool (in either sense), but I am thinking of sharpening a blade on him.
But all of that is really just background: the foreground is that petulant, bratty look on his stupid lip-glossed face. Like he knows everyone is looking at him (they were) because they’re jealous (they’re not). They’re just wondering, with all that money he’s making off of all those tween girls, why he hasn’t bothered to put any mirrors in his house. Is he a vampire? That would explain the pale skin and the flat affect and the showing up late for everything and the black leather baseball shirt.
Well, it still doesn’t explain the black leather baseball shirt. But if you’re a Belieber, my advice is to eat a lot of garlic and carry a cross. And if you happen to find yourself on trial for punching him in the face, make sure the jury sees this photo — they won’t dare convict you.