Wary Christmas

We had a very merry Christmas this year. Things came together beatifully, and we were able to get the whole family together for the first time in a long time, so it really felt like home. And it was over 50 degrees on Christmas Day, which was a little strange but certainly not unwelcome. I know global warming is a hoax, but it sure is an elaborate one!

Mom was able to use most of her many Christmas decorations, but having to confine our Yuletide celebrations to the basement put shelf and Santa space at a premium, so she had to be a little more choosy with which collectibles to display. It looks great, though — less is more! And if you ask me, the tinfoil covering the basement windows doesn’t just keep us out of sight, it makes things even more festive! The Christmas lights reflect against it, so it’s like we have twice as many. One strand is hardly festive by itself, but any more would raise our power bills to suspicious levels. You can’t be too careful this time of year!

Dad thought this was overkill, but Mom also thought to soundproof the basement walls with red and green blankets instead of plain old blue, so we’re doubly inspired to sing “Joy To The World” to our hearts’ content without worrying that the Christmas police will kick in our door.

It almost makes me nostalgic for the old days, when the Ban on Christmas was only being enforced by the left-wing extremists at Hallmark and Wal-Mart. I guess I was in elementary school when Dad told the lady at the Piggly Wiggly to have a good Christmas and she answered “You have a good holiday.” People said it was a sign of things to come, but I didn’t listen. Maybe you’re too young to remember when you could still say “Merry Christmas” on the phone — imagine that!  You can’t do that now, of course. Not unless you want to spend New Year’s Eve at some PC Re-education camp. I don’t know how this country got so weak.

When the secular Left took over the government (and I agree that that election was rigged, by the way), they outlawed the whole holiday in the first hundred days. How could we not see it coming? The signs were everywhere! There was all those news stories about it, and lots of talking-head shows talked about it, and a lot of people blogged about it… there were a lot of angry comments on those blogs, and… well, I guess that’s it. I can’t think of anything else that actually happened. But we can’t say we weren’t warned!

Anyway, I thought ahead this year and started buying gifts last March. I made a list of who to buy for, and went out shopping every couple of weeks. Don’t want to attract attention by spending too much at once, especially after Halloween. Somebody suggested that we give homemade gifts for caution’s sake, but fuck that! This is still America!

We’re going to need a lot of presents to put under the beautiful tree we got this year! It gets harder and harder every time to get out of the city undetected, much less find a forest that isn’t crawling with Federales. We’ve found the key is not to bring any tools to cut the tree down — we out to the boondocks to find the tree, then we go find the nearest hardware store and get a hatchet and saw. (If possible, we get them from different stores.) It’s a lot of extra shoe leather, but if you ask me it’s the hassle that makes the holiday. Although maybe I won’t bring the kids next year, they made so much noise I was looking over my shoulder thinking we’d get popped any second.

It was great to have the whole family together — my sister’s family decided to drive from Denver rather than go through the bureaucratic nightmare of flying. They made it in 22 hours, two hours quicker than the last time they came. They were only stopped once, and the search was so lazy they didn’t find the garland and mistletoe she had hidden in the wheel well. Seems like everybody’s on vacation! I understand myrrh is going for over $400 an ounce on the black market these days (not that you can get it anywhere else) so we decided to make do with a scented candle.

I especially enjoyed watching It’s a Wonderful Life with everyone. I’m so glad my nephew was able to find it on the bittorrent sites. I don’t know how he even learned to read “It’s A Wonderful Life” in Chinese, much less type it into a search box, but he did it and downloaded it to an offshore account in the cloud. A Christmas miracle!

I just wish I could have been able to get comfortable around Uncle Aidan. I know he’s my sister’s wife and all, but I worry that he’s going to turn us in. He’s a nice guy and everything, and I don’t think he would hurt us because that would hurt my sister, but he did vote for Gore, so he could be capable of anything. Just to be careful, I “forgot” to invite him along when we went to get the tree, although he would have been useful when it came time to roll the tree up in a carpet and carry it back to the car. I hadn’t thought about how much weight the carpet would add, but the exercise only makes the kids tougher for next year.

Anyway, it’s been a week since the big day and there’s no sign that we attracted any attention or have any reason to worry. Everybody was together, and except for those bootleg candy Santas that made us all sick — I guess they do go bad after a few years! — it couldn’t have been a nicer holiday (and by “HOLIDAY,” I mean “CHRISTMAS,” ASSHOLE).

That’s what I call a Happy New Year! (How long till the secular Left bans that holiday too?) Let us never forget the words of the immortal freedom fighter “Gambler2Nite”:

Wary Christmas. Stay frosty, my friends!

Leave a Reply